[It's been a few days since all this came to mind, a few days for Leia to sort out her thoughts on everything. Rather than jumping in on her own, her first idea is to consult Ben, to see how things were when he was growing up, if he's willing to provide that much. It's a harmless risk, and one she's more than willing to take, given that she's always interested in speaking with Ben. She'd tried to reach him a few times in the days before this, but to no avail, with him, for all she knew, ignoring her questions.]
I have something I'd like to ask you.
[And before he can just shut her out, if he were so inclined, she continues--]
When you were younger, was there a day we chose to celebrate your father's birthday?
[Ugh... this isn't what he wanted when he got back from his outing, but at least he got several days out on his own with nothing but nature and quiet. He was going to have to come back to all this eventually.]
Don't encourage him to get up to anything more than he already does.
[He doesn't think Han actually gets up to anything too crazy in Verens, but it's a good way to deflect from the question. Just to be difficult. He can never give his mother a straight answer.]
[Not that she doesn't try, but well. Talking Han Solo out of doing anything is difficult, even for her. It's more of a general response, though, since she has no idea if getting up to anything more than usual is something he does in the future for birthdays.]
But was there a day we chose to celebrate his birthday?
[There's a notable pause between her question and his answer, and a feeling as if he's staring her down, deliberating.
His answer is dull, like he's too tired to deal with this right now. As much as he hates actually giving his mother what she wants, she's going to keep asking him, and unfortunately, arguing would be more irritating than enjoyable at the current moment.]
[That's much easier than she expected it to be, and there's a faint feeling of surprise at that, growing stronger when she does the math to realize that it would probably be... this same day. That doesn't give her much time.
But even though she's now in a rush, now has much more to do than she originally planned to today, Leia feels as though she should push her luck just a little more. Just in case.]
I don't suppose you'd be willing to share when yours is?
[Now he's indignant, almost offended at the memory that's come back with the mention of his own birthday. The other information is easy enough to give up, because it doesn't necessarily have to do with him.
... still, there's a kind of warmth that comes with the end of it, with the memory of what happened after they left. It's something he shields quickly enough, but the feeling slips through for a brief moment regardless.]
[That warmth confuses her, just for a moment, when coupled with his insistence that they ruined his birthday last time. Not that she knows when that could be, since it seems like he considers his time ruined whenever he sees her.]
[It isn't something she means to send out, exactly, it just sort of happened to send as she's considering when she might have visited him together with Han that would fit with his version of events. Thanks, telepathy, for that.
Invading his privacy, though, she can't really deny that part.]
[It's not so much that she wants to change him, so much as she wants to change things for him. Because while she doesn't know the full story of what happened for things to turn out the way they did, she still takes responsibility for it all anyway. There must have been something they missed or something they could've done to make Ben not turn to the dark side, and she can't accept otherwise. But it's not so easy to explain, especially with him confronting her about wanting to change him.]
That's not it at all. More than anything I've wanted to get to know you during our time here.
If that were true, you would refer to me by the name I've chosen rather than the one you've decided on for me.
[He knows that there's no way she'll ever call him Kylo, but now that he's had someone from his past accept his decision—the man he was named after no less—he finds himself even less willing to consider letting Leia into his life without a compromise on her part.]
[Well, she can do it when talking about him to an unrelated third party, but to Ben and anyone she's close to from their galaxy, it's Ben, it's always Ben.]
Do you have any idea of the expectations Ben Solo had to endure? All the better that he died with the rest of the Jedi.
[There's the sense that he's not looking at Leia at all, but rather gazing out to some distant point so that he doesn't have to speak to her quite so directly.]
At least as Kylo Ren, all the expectations are those I've chosen. Even aside from that, I've changed too much to be that boy anymore.
[Well, as he is now and through images and memories from Han, but that's not first-hand experience, and he's just a baby in those. Any changes in him aren't something Leia would know, not at this point.]
You could tell me about the expectations you had to endure.
[She can guess, certainly, and she knows a thing or two about expectations herself. But if he will explain it, she will listen.]
[A sharp, almost tense feeling is sent through the connection. He feels like he's already been talking to her too long.]
What do you think? The son of the heroes of the Rebellion, Force-sensitive nephew to the last living Jedi. The eyes of the entire galaxy were on me in one way or another.
[Leia is silent for a moment, between the tense feeling from Ben's side and the explanation he's giving. It's not hard to understand how hard all of that would have been. She knows a thing about growing up in the public sphere, but just because she could handle it doesn't mean her son is automatically the same.]
It's hard, I know. And I wish things had been easier for you.
[He doesn't even sound angry so much as bitter, maybe annoyed. It's not like it matters much at this point, except as a kind of pain for him to use to strengthen himself.]
Like I said, Ben Solo is gone, and those expectations with him.
[For a moment, Kylo thinks about trying to explain it to her, but that reaches too far into his feelings about himself to be even remotely comfortable to speak about, much less with her.]
No, you wouldn't understand.
[Thinking of returning to that name—it would be a disgrace, for one. He has no intention of being anyone but Kylo Ren.]
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lostapprentice) wrote2035-01-06 02:37 am
Whenever kylo is back from hermiting; voice
I have something I'd like to ask you.
[And before he can just shut her out, if he were so inclined, she continues--]
When you were younger, was there a day we chose to celebrate your father's birthday?
the 13th........ technically... ssshh
Don't encourage him to get up to anything more than he already does.
[He doesn't think Han actually gets up to anything too crazy in Verens, but it's a good way to deflect from the question. Just to be difficult. He can never give his mother a straight answer.]
no subject
[Not that she doesn't try, but well. Talking Han Solo out of doing anything is difficult, even for her. It's more of a general response, though, since she has no idea if getting up to anything more than usual is something he does in the future for birthdays.]
But was there a day we chose to celebrate his birthday?
no subject
His answer is dull, like he's too tired to deal with this right now. As much as he hates actually giving his mother what she wants, she's going to keep asking him, and unfortunately, arguing would be more irritating than enjoyable at the current moment.]
July thirteenth.
no subject
But even though she's now in a rush, now has much more to do than she originally planned to today, Leia feels as though she should push her luck just a little more. Just in case.]
I don't suppose you'd be willing to share when yours is?
no subject
[Now he's indignant, almost offended at the memory that's come back with the mention of his own birthday. The other information is easy enough to give up, because it doesn't necessarily have to do with him.
... still, there's a kind of warmth that comes with the end of it, with the memory of what happened after they left. It's something he shields quickly enough, but the feeling slips through for a brief moment regardless.]
no subject
What did we do on your birthday last year?
no subject
[Like many things, Kylo will remain bitter about it for a long time.]
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[It isn't something she means to send out, exactly, it just sort of happened to send as she's considering when she might have visited him together with Han that would fit with his version of events. Thanks, telepathy, for that.
Invading his privacy, though, she can't really deny that part.]
no subject
[In his opinion, insults don't have to be verbal. Especially not with his Force senses.]
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That's not it at all. More than anything I've wanted to get to know you during our time here.
no subject
[He knows that there's no way she'll ever call him Kylo, but now that he's had someone from his past accept his decision—the man he was named after no less—he finds himself even less willing to consider letting Leia into his life without a compromise on her part.]
no subject
[Well, she can do it when talking about him to an unrelated third party, but to Ben and anyone she's close to from their galaxy, it's Ben, it's always Ben.]
Is being Ben Solo truly that terrible?
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[There's the sense that he's not looking at Leia at all, but rather gazing out to some distant point so that he doesn't have to speak to her quite so directly.]
At least as Kylo Ren, all the expectations are those I've chosen. Even aside from that, I've changed too much to be that boy anymore.
no subject
[Well, as he is now and through images and memories from Han, but that's not first-hand experience, and he's just a baby in those. Any changes in him aren't something Leia would know, not at this point.]
You could tell me about the expectations you had to endure.
[She can guess, certainly, and she knows a thing or two about expectations herself. But if he will explain it, she will listen.]
no subject
What do you think? The son of the heroes of the Rebellion, Force-sensitive nephew to the last living Jedi. The eyes of the entire galaxy were on me in one way or another.
no subject
It's hard, I know. And I wish things had been easier for you.
no subject
[He doesn't even sound angry so much as bitter, maybe annoyed. It's not like it matters much at this point, except as a kind of pain for him to use to strengthen himself.]
Like I said, Ben Solo is gone, and those expectations with him.
no subject
[back home is something she's determined to change, to help Ben not have to go through all of this, but here it's something he has to choose.]
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No, you wouldn't understand.
[Thinking of returning to that name—it would be a disgrace, for one. He has no intention of being anyone but Kylo Ren.]
It is what it is. He's not coming back.
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[Which she knows he knows, but she feels the need to say it.]
I can't just give up on him. On you.
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[Things would be so much easier—for everyone—if she did give up. To Kylo, all this is doing is making things more painful for no good reason.]