[It's not so much that she wants to change him, so much as she wants to change things for him. Because while she doesn't know the full story of what happened for things to turn out the way they did, she still takes responsibility for it all anyway. There must have been something they missed or something they could've done to make Ben not turn to the dark side, and she can't accept otherwise. But it's not so easy to explain, especially with him confronting her about wanting to change him.]
That's not it at all. More than anything I've wanted to get to know you during our time here.
If that were true, you would refer to me by the name I've chosen rather than the one you've decided on for me.
[He knows that there's no way she'll ever call him Kylo, but now that he's had someone from his past accept his decision—the man he was named after no less—he finds himself even less willing to consider letting Leia into his life without a compromise on her part.]
[Well, she can do it when talking about him to an unrelated third party, but to Ben and anyone she's close to from their galaxy, it's Ben, it's always Ben.]
Do you have any idea of the expectations Ben Solo had to endure? All the better that he died with the rest of the Jedi.
[There's the sense that he's not looking at Leia at all, but rather gazing out to some distant point so that he doesn't have to speak to her quite so directly.]
At least as Kylo Ren, all the expectations are those I've chosen. Even aside from that, I've changed too much to be that boy anymore.
[Well, as he is now and through images and memories from Han, but that's not first-hand experience, and he's just a baby in those. Any changes in him aren't something Leia would know, not at this point.]
You could tell me about the expectations you had to endure.
[She can guess, certainly, and she knows a thing or two about expectations herself. But if he will explain it, she will listen.]
[A sharp, almost tense feeling is sent through the connection. He feels like he's already been talking to her too long.]
What do you think? The son of the heroes of the Rebellion, Force-sensitive nephew to the last living Jedi. The eyes of the entire galaxy were on me in one way or another.
[Leia is silent for a moment, between the tense feeling from Ben's side and the explanation he's giving. It's not hard to understand how hard all of that would have been. She knows a thing about growing up in the public sphere, but just because she could handle it doesn't mean her son is automatically the same.]
It's hard, I know. And I wish things had been easier for you.
[He doesn't even sound angry so much as bitter, maybe annoyed. It's not like it matters much at this point, except as a kind of pain for him to use to strengthen himself.]
Like I said, Ben Solo is gone, and those expectations with him.
[For a moment, Kylo thinks about trying to explain it to her, but that reaches too far into his feelings about himself to be even remotely comfortable to speak about, much less with her.]
No, you wouldn't understand.
[Thinking of returning to that name—it would be a disgrace, for one. He has no intention of being anyone but Kylo Ren.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
lostapprentice) wrote2035-01-06 02:37 am
no subject
That's not it at all. More than anything I've wanted to get to know you during our time here.
no subject
[He knows that there's no way she'll ever call him Kylo, but now that he's had someone from his past accept his decision—the man he was named after no less—he finds himself even less willing to consider letting Leia into his life without a compromise on her part.]
no subject
[Well, she can do it when talking about him to an unrelated third party, but to Ben and anyone she's close to from their galaxy, it's Ben, it's always Ben.]
Is being Ben Solo truly that terrible?
no subject
[There's the sense that he's not looking at Leia at all, but rather gazing out to some distant point so that he doesn't have to speak to her quite so directly.]
At least as Kylo Ren, all the expectations are those I've chosen. Even aside from that, I've changed too much to be that boy anymore.
no subject
[Well, as he is now and through images and memories from Han, but that's not first-hand experience, and he's just a baby in those. Any changes in him aren't something Leia would know, not at this point.]
You could tell me about the expectations you had to endure.
[She can guess, certainly, and she knows a thing or two about expectations herself. But if he will explain it, she will listen.]
no subject
What do you think? The son of the heroes of the Rebellion, Force-sensitive nephew to the last living Jedi. The eyes of the entire galaxy were on me in one way or another.
no subject
It's hard, I know. And I wish things had been easier for you.
no subject
[He doesn't even sound angry so much as bitter, maybe annoyed. It's not like it matters much at this point, except as a kind of pain for him to use to strengthen himself.]
Like I said, Ben Solo is gone, and those expectations with him.
no subject
[back home is something she's determined to change, to help Ben not have to go through all of this, but here it's something he has to choose.]
no subject
No, you wouldn't understand.
[Thinking of returning to that name—it would be a disgrace, for one. He has no intention of being anyone but Kylo Ren.]
It is what it is. He's not coming back.
no subject
[Which she knows he knows, but she feels the need to say it.]
I can't just give up on him. On you.
no subject
[Things would be so much easier—for everyone—if she did give up. To Kylo, all this is doing is making things more painful for no good reason.]