[he's not sure what he expected the answer to be. honestly he's surprised that ren entertained the question at all.]
That don't sound too bad. Racin' and all.
[he has to wonder if that's the source of some of the conflict between them, though. it makes sense that ren wouldn't be impressed with the smuggling if he had always known han as some kind of businessman, right? his thoughts on the matter slip out without him really meaning them to, to his immediate chagrin.]
It must've been disappointing to meet me like this, though.
[see, that's just pathetic. stupid amulets, stupid telepathy, stupid feelings he gets while talking to his own kid.]
Edited (I LIKE WORDS BETTER THAN OTHER WORDS) 2016-05-04 01:18 (UTC)
[Ren's thoughts halt, and it's just for this sort of thing that he's stepped into a more private place. It's true that he's had negative impressions of his father for some time, but. He's been trying to keep them in mind without letting them affect how he interacts with Han, at least outwardly.]
No. Not... I mean.
[This is going terribly. What is he supposed to say to correct this situation? Feeling that sort of thing coming from his father is enough to make his own heart twist in his chest. Han can't see it, but Ren shakes his head and puts a hand over his face.]
Only that you... don't remember. But. Perhaps it's better you don't. [A pang of grief echoes through the words, but he manages to keep it only a vague feeling.]
C'mon, don't say that. Anybody would rather have, you know, the guy that knew them already.
[this is almost painfully awkward, but on the other hand he can't blame ren for wanting a different version of himself. that's natural, right? it's why there's this sad feeling permeating the conversation suddenly, right?]
I'm trying but I know I'm not-- [not the father he wants or needs, or maybe not a person worth wanting at all, at the moment. but he'll not let that much slip.] --I don't know. Sorry I brought it up.
[there's real regret there, too, for dragging ren down when he hadn't meant to. it feels like he isn't doing to great at the whole fatherhood thing, on top of the feeling that he messed something up the first time around, the time he hasn't experienced yet.]
[He doesn't... want to think about how his father might abandon him over what he'd done on Starkiller, or even just what he'd done to Luke's school. Ren knows he wouldn't be able to blame Han, but—]
Don't apologize. You're... I can't ask for you to be different.
[He's starting to come to accept that, as much as he wants the past to change. But he realizes that things were what they were, that nothing any of them did would have changed how Ren felt. He has to at least try to accept his past with his father, if just so he can move forward from his... death. Otherwise he'll never get any closure.
He wishes Supreme Leader was here to reassure him.]
[there's a bit of silence. the line's open, han's just...trying to figure out what to say. he can't guess at their shared history if ren doesn't want to share it, and he can't physically track ren down to lay a hand on his shoulder or something. he didn't feel particularly useless sitting in his cell until just now and he's not sure how to handle it. he wants to word things right, but turning it over and over in his mind is getting frustrating so in the end, after an extended silence, it's something somewhat muted but entirely honest that comes out.]
So there's somethin' between us. Don't change the fact that you're my kid.
[that's all there is to it, really. even if he got really, really angry at ren he would still be han's. no take-backs.]
[Ren doesn't even recognize the sudden chill that comes around the area he's in—he's too overwhelmed by his father's words to pay any attention to the outside world at all. He brings his hand over his face, closing his eyes against the sting of tears.
He can't even "voice" any words. Silent gratitude comes through the connection, sincere but pained, almost desperate. It's clear that that acceptance is something he's wanted, but it's also something he fears won't really hold if and when the truth is finally revealed. There's so much Han doesn't know.]
[han didn't really expect that level of emotion and suddenly finds himself with some uncomfortable thoughts. obviously either he's going to be a really shitty dad or what ren has apparently done is really awful. frankly at this point he's leaning toward the latter--he doesn't have a whole lot of confidence in his own dad abilities but he's pretty sure he would do his best to look after his own kid.
as han tries to work through this, finn's comment about ren being the type to stab him in the chest comes to mind and he pushes it to the back of his mind with aggressive speed. he's not going to even consider this when they're not talking face to face. he's just...not. even though it almost makes sense. because it almost makes sense.
a few minutes pass. han doesn't bother to hold his emotions back--surprise, a touch of fear, and then almost aggressive resolve. his mind is made up on this one and nobody's going to change it.]
Listen, Ben.
[telepathy is so weird. if he were talking out loud his voice would probably be hoarse by now from emotion, but through the amulet he's able to sound pretty normal. calm. he's pretty grateful for that, honestly.]
Come by and see me sometime, all right? It's, uh, pretty borin' in here already. An' if there's something bothering you I could help with--
[he cuts himself off, wondering if he's pushing too hard. well, the last thing he wants is for ren to suddenly shut him out, so he pushes forward anyway.]
[Ren's own feelings are too complex to make any real sense of, but he at least manages to keep them from bleeding through too strongly now. He has to get a hold of himself—he's stronger than this. He can face his father, he has to. He'll prove he can move past what he's done—Snoke is not here to witness that, but he needs to prove it to himself.
Kylo's own mental voice comes through as steadily as Han's, though it's quiet. He can't project that much confidence right now, but he's trying.]
Yes. I will. [There are things he knows he can't come to his father with—things Han will never really understand—but Han had always been the one to defuse situations when it got heated between him and his mother.
Han wasn't the one who sent him away, either. Han was the one who came back for him in the end.]
I'll... be here if you want to contact me, until then.
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lostapprentice) wrote2035-01-06 02:37 am
no subject
[It was the most obvious way to correlate his smuggling skills into something less unsavory. Just take the law breaking out of it.]
And you raced. Even oversaw them, occasionally.
[Ren tries not to focus too much on the emotions that go with the past, just so he can give Han the information. He's... partly succeeding.]
no subject
[he's not sure what he expected the answer to be. honestly he's surprised that ren entertained the question at all.]
That don't sound too bad. Racin' and all.
[he has to wonder if that's the source of some of the conflict between them, though. it makes sense that ren wouldn't be impressed with the smuggling if he had always known han as some kind of businessman, right? his thoughts on the matter slip out without him really meaning them to, to his immediate chagrin.]
It must've been disappointing to meet me like this, though.
[see, that's just pathetic. stupid amulets, stupid telepathy, stupid feelings he gets while talking to his own kid.]
no subject
[Ren's thoughts halt, and it's just for this sort of thing that he's stepped into a more private place. It's true that he's had negative impressions of his father for some time, but. He's been trying to keep them in mind without letting them affect how he interacts with Han, at least outwardly.]
No. Not... I mean.
[This is going terribly. What is he supposed to say to correct this situation? Feeling that sort of thing coming from his father is enough to make his own heart twist in his chest. Han can't see it, but Ren shakes his head and puts a hand over his face.]
Only that you... don't remember. But. Perhaps it's better you don't. [A pang of grief echoes through the words, but he manages to keep it only a vague feeling.]
no subject
[this is almost painfully awkward, but on the other hand he can't blame ren for wanting a different version of himself. that's natural, right? it's why there's this sad feeling permeating the conversation suddenly, right?]
I'm trying but I know I'm not-- [not the father he wants or needs, or maybe not a person worth wanting at all, at the moment. but he'll not let that much slip.] --I don't know. Sorry I brought it up.
[there's real regret there, too, for dragging ren down when he hadn't meant to. it feels like he isn't doing to great at the whole fatherhood thing, on top of the feeling that he messed something up the first time around, the time he hasn't experienced yet.]
no subject
[He doesn't... want to think about how his father might abandon him over what he'd done on Starkiller, or even just what he'd done to Luke's school. Ren knows he wouldn't be able to blame Han, but—]
Don't apologize. You're... I can't ask for you to be different.
[He's starting to come to accept that, as much as he wants the past to change. But he realizes that things were what they were, that nothing any of them did would have changed how Ren felt. He has to at least try to accept his past with his father, if just so he can move forward from his... death. Otherwise he'll never get any closure.
He wishes Supreme Leader was here to reassure him.]
no subject
So there's somethin' between us. Don't change the fact that you're my kid.
[that's all there is to it, really. even if he got really, really angry at ren he would still be han's. no take-backs.]
no subject
He can't even "voice" any words. Silent gratitude comes through the connection, sincere but pained, almost desperate. It's clear that that acceptance is something he's wanted, but it's also something he fears won't really hold if and when the truth is finally revealed. There's so much Han doesn't know.]
no subject
as han tries to work through this, finn's comment about ren being the type to stab him in the chest comes to mind and he pushes it to the back of his mind with aggressive speed. he's not going to even consider this when they're not talking face to face. he's just...not. even though it almost makes sense. because it almost makes sense.
a few minutes pass. han doesn't bother to hold his emotions back--surprise, a touch of fear, and then almost aggressive resolve. his mind is made up on this one and nobody's going to change it.]
Listen, Ben.
[telepathy is so weird. if he were talking out loud his voice would probably be hoarse by now from emotion, but through the amulet he's able to sound pretty normal. calm. he's pretty grateful for that, honestly.]
Come by and see me sometime, all right? It's, uh, pretty borin' in here already. An' if there's something bothering you I could help with--
[he cuts himself off, wondering if he's pushing too hard. well, the last thing he wants is for ren to suddenly shut him out, so he pushes forward anyway.]
I'm, uh, I'm your dad, so you should let me know.
no subject
Kylo's own mental voice comes through as steadily as Han's, though it's quiet. He can't project that much confidence right now, but he's trying.]
Yes. I will. [There are things he knows he can't come to his father with—things Han will never really understand—but Han had always been the one to defuse situations when it got heated between him and his mother.
Han wasn't the one who sent him away, either. Han was the one who came back for him in the end.]
I'll... be here if you want to contact me, until then.